8 Funniest Quotes From Hugh Laurie in ‘House,’ Ranked
House, M.D. is one of the best medical dramas in television history, and an enormous reason why is because it’s so funny. From Dr. Gregory House’s (the sensational Hugh Laurie) shenanigans to all the characters’ sharp dialogue, there are plenty of things to make fans laugh out loud throughout any given episode. It is hardly even necessary to watch any set of episodes in chronological order to enjoy the storylines, which often connect the medical case with the doctors’ personal lives.
Of course, it’s House’s dialogue that triumphs over everyone else’s. His sense of humor is legendary, to the point where there are several ways for him to make us crack up. One of his best moments, for example, is when we discover that he stashes his Vicodin pills in a lupus textbook, and he offhandedly says, “It’s never lupus.” That’s not technically a clever remark, though; that’s just a reflection on House’s casual approach to doctors’ ethics (as well as a wink at how the show never has that specific condition as the answer). In terms of House’s wittiest quotes, there are so many per episode that tracking down the best ones over eight rather long seasons is more than just subjective: it’s a wild thing to attempt. And yet here we are — because the dialogue is worth the effort. Below are some of Dr. House’s cleverest remarks, ranked by how funny, true to his character, irreverent, and unexpected they are in (and out of) context.
8
“It’s taking college courses.”
“97 Seconds” (Season 4, Episode 3)
House wants to remove a patient’s eye, and Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) doesn’t like that idea. She confronts him as he exits an elevator, and they argue over it. She wants him to do a biopsy, but he thinks that it would be a waste of time. At this point, Cuddy asks, “How advanced is the pneumonia?” and House says, “It’s taking college courses.” Cuddy gives in, albeit silently, and House asks Wilson if he wants to watch him cut a guy’s eye out. As always, the timing of these exchanges is great.
When someone asks how advanced a condition is, they’re expecting some kind of medical description. But being that House is the king of metaphors, he decides to compare this patient’s pneumonia to a college student. That is indeed a highly advanced pneumonia, which gets at House’s point a bit more convincingly than a more terminological response might have. Even when the guy is being serious, he uses amusing comparisons to get his way.
7
“That’s also true of five morons.”
“Office Politics” (Season 7, Episode 6)
In season seven’s “Office Politics,” Cuddy tells House that she replaced Thirteen (Olivia Wilde) with young genius Martha M. Masters (Amber Tamblyn). Later in the episode, she and House are trying to convince Cuddy to do an experimental treatment that could potentially get them sued. Cuddy refuses, arguing that they need proof that the patient has Hepatitis C. House says they can’t, to which Cuddy tells them they’ll figure something out: “The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.” House’s response: “That’s also true of five morons.”
House walks out of her office, unhappy that he’ll have to prove that his unconventional treatment will work before he can use it. While Masters seemed flattered by Cuddy’s compliment, House just took it as another rejection that makes his job unnecessarily harder when he already knows (or thinks he knows) what to do. The contrast makes the wit that much funnier and more bitter. Despite the not-so-lighthearted tone, it’s an excellent example of House’s wit.
6
“Most people have; it’s also a noun.”
“Living the Dream” (Season 4, Episode 5)
In season four’s “Living the Dream,” we learn that Dr. House keeps other people’s food in the morgue. Why are we not surprised? Cuddy is able to clear things away before the guy from the accreditation board arrives for an inspection, but House is still going to make things a little weird. When the man shows up, House introduces himself. The other man does the same: “Doctor Jamie Conway. I’ve heard your name.” House’s reply: “Most people have; it’s also a noun.”
This moment cleverly takes advantage of his name, which a lesser show might make constant jokes about until it’s beaten to the ground. House, M.D., however, has fun with it only sparingly for moments like this. It’s always amusing to watch House put on the air of being polite. The way he smiles in a friendly manner juxtaposes the nature of his rude remark, demonstrating once again that House can only pretend to be nice for only a few seconds at a time.
5
“What, all of you?”
“Sleeping Dogs Lie” (Season 2, Episode 18)
Season two’s “Sleeping Dogs Lie” shows early on that House is having trouble sleeping. He’s living with Wilson, and their sleep schedules have thrown him off to the point where he’s dozing off at the hospital. While he’s first woken up by Dr. Cuddy in the beginning, he falls asleep again a little later on, this time in his office. The team walks into House’s office and turns the lights on, waking him from a nap. Cameron says, “We’ve got rectal bleeding,” and House says, “What, all of you?”
The expression “We’ve got ___” is always in reference to someone outside of the “we,” but House has fun pretending that Cameron is talking about herself and the other two on the team (instead of the patient). Sharing such a personal problem unnecessarily, not to mention everyone on the team having it at the same time, is an absurd scenario. Also, the fact that House is tired and has both of his legs up on his desk gives him a very casual posture, which fits with his tone.
4
“You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”
“House vs. God” (Season 2, Episode 19)
In what is coincidentally the episode that comes right after the above entry, we find the team has a young patient who claims that God talks to him. Upon hearing this, House says the kid must be psychotic. Chase (Jesse Spencer) disagrees, saying it’s just because the patient is so religious. House doesn’t like that reasoning, though: “No. You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.” Even when the team defends the patient’s sanity, House can only think that he’s either psychotic or a scam artist.
Maybe this line is more of an insight than a clever remark, but the way that House phrases it is both funny and carries a certain finesse. The sentences “You talk to God, you’re religious” and “God talks to you, you’re psychotic” mirror each other perfectly, capturing in simple terms the enormous difference between someone who prays and someone who thinks they can literally hear the word of God. The fact that he says these lines quickly helps emphasize the syntax, and it’s also humorously just a very-House thing to say.
3
“I am a BOARD-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology.”
“Occam’s Razor” (Season 1, Episode 3)
By the third episode of the series, House has already made it perfectly clear to the audience that he hates clinic duty. Today, he tells everyone waiting that he is one of three doctors on clinic duty, and his speech is an attempt to make everyone want to wait for the other two doctors to show up so that he can do nothing. At one point, he says that “I am a BOARD-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology.” He goes on to say he’s the only doctor forced to be there against his will, etc.
This line is very House. He’s always complaining about being bored and being on clinic duty. This little double entendre encapsulates both, and the way that he turns to look at Dr. Cuddy while he emphasizes the word “board” makes the word-play quite clear. It’s a perfectly natural place to fit in this clever little complaint, and the delivery is spot on, proving why Laurie was born to play this role and why House should never get a reboot. The combination of such memorable character dynamics and witty writing can’t be replicated.
2
“If her DNA were off by one percentage point, she’d be a dolphin.”
“Autopsy” (Season 2, Episode 2)
“Autopsy” must be one of the best episodes of House ever, as it has two of its wittiest quotes. Following one of the most hilarious scenes of House doing clinic duty, he’s approached by his team. The guy was nearly out the door, but now Foreman (Omar Epps) is telling him that their recent tests came back clean. Annoyed, House takes a look at the chart and notes that the oxygen saturation levels are 94%. Foreman argues that it’s normal, and House goes to humorous lengths to explain this number’s importance: “If her DNA were off by one percentage point, she’d be a dolphin.”
Well, can’t argue with that. House says that since the problem isn’t obvious, they’ve got to take a closer look for subtler symptoms. After the team works out the diagnostic logic, House comes up on top yet again. As mentioned above, his congested voice and the tissue he’s using elevate the comedy. Maybe it’s because we can see that, even though he’s not feeling well, he can still effortlessly outwit and out-think his entire team. He’s also about to exit the building, making the dolphin remark and everything else feel more nonchalant than usual.
1
“Huh??”
“Humpty Dumpty” (Season 2, Episode 3)
Right after the classic-moments-filled “Autopsy,” season two’s “Humpty Dumpty” comes through with one of the funniest moments in the show. Cuddy’s handyman fell off her roof, so she’s taking much more control over the case than House would like. Throughout the episode, the tension between them builds. Eventually, House decides he has to cut off Alfredo’s hand, but Cuddy feels bad enough as it is. She makes House go to a meeting with her and Stacy (Sela Ward) to discuss this as a legal issue, which House doesn’t think it is.
After House compares Alfredo’s hand to a condo, Cuddy angrily says, “Are you being intentionally dense?!” House’s reaction couldn’t be better: he puts this exaggeratedly confused look on his face and says, “Huh??” He wasn’t being “intentionally dense” before, but he sure is now. Pretending to not understand those fancy words after being asked if he’s being dense on purpose is classic House. Along with Hugh Laurie’s fantastic delivery, it’s hard to find a line that’s more hysterical and better suited to his character.
